Предлагаю всем любопытствующим транскрипт тех самых телефонных разборок Депп/Херд. Фрагменты диалога и аудио ранее приносила Ela http://www.spletnik.ru/blogs/pro_zvezd/176790_polnaya-audiozapis-ssory-ember-khyord-i-dzhonni-deppa Полная расшифровка пока на английском, версия на великом и могучем тоже не за горами.
Amber Heard: [unintelligible]
Johnny Depp: [unintelligible]
AH: I don’t know what else to do
JD: I thought- I thought that we had some sort of game plan.
AH: I told you- I- what I needed. You said we should- [unintelligible] you don’t- [silence] We are seeing
the counsellors not to just- stop what we are doing. It’s not alone enough. We gotta change how we do
things. And I wanna trust you and I feel like all the trust is gone- all the fucking trust is gone in a
relationship because you keep splitting.
JD: I’m not going be in a physical f**king altercation with you.
AH: Don’t. Then don’t.
JD: You f**king hit me last night. You f**king...
AH: What about all the other times you split? C'mon you cannot act like that’s about that.
JD: Well on a plane, I can’t split.
AH: No, and you hit back. So don’t act like you don’t f**king participate.
JD: I pushed you.
AH: I’m not going to get into the details of that fight. You and I both know that you split when there is no
physical violence involved and that you do it... like at the very beginning of fights these days. And if you
split and you go into a different room and you don’t actually leave that house, it does nothing but
perpetuate the fight and you don’t actually do it respectfully.
AH: Really, when you split on me- how do you feel when I leave you? I’ve left you before.
JD: When I spilt- when I go into another room you said.
AH: And, giving me a room- I mean, getting another room at the hotels, is just the same thing.
JD: When did I get another room at a hotel?
AH: You text Steven or- or Nathan and try to get you another room. It’s chronic and it’s all the time, and if
you do it to go into another room- you do it and get dressed-
JD: You were f**king screaming at me.
AH: I’m not going to validate my actions last night. I feel very bad about what I did.
JD: No, I’m talking about Toronto.
(ie this happens regularly)
AH: I did not start screaming until you had f**king said all the s**t - you poke an animal enough, it is
eventually, it doesn’t matter how friendly it is, it’s not cool.
JD: That’s not true. It’s the same for me, it’s the same for me.
AH: I have not done this to you. I have not said this to you. I have not started a fight by saying I’m gonna
get another room. And I’m not gonna sit here and fight about fucking Toronto anymore! Guess what? I let
it go! I’m not fucking talking about Toronto.
JD: Send me the tapes
AH: I can yell it- I can whisper it- I can write it- Guess what? I’m not saying another fucking word- about
Toronto. I’m so sick and tired of fucking fighting about old fights. This is not about a fight. This is broad.
This is a broad thing. And if I’m telling you every single time you get dressed and you fucking split on top
of a fight- You never fucking try and work it out. You never fight for me. You never come to me. You
never self-calm. You never self-suit(?). You are never the one to throw the olive-branch- I’m sick and tired
of it and it needs to fucking change. And you can go ‘I can’t meet those demands- I can’t do it’ or you can
fucking promise me so I have a modicum of safety- I have a modicum of respect- a little tiny sliver of-
fucking like- you are in this whether it is good or bad. Whether it is good or bad. Down and up. Lows and
highs. Tough and easy.
JD: What about the tapes? Can I hear them? Send me the fucking recordings
AH: I will. I will.
JD: Just text them to me.
AH: I don’t know how else to say I will to you. I haven’t because we have not been well. We have not
been good. When I fucking move out- if I move out, you’ll have them and you can fucking relish them.
You won’t fucking like it- what you hear. It won’t make you happy. But you’ll hear what I’m telling you.
That was after Toronto.
JD: Yeah, that’s when we came back here.
AH: I know where we were.
JD Toronto, Boston, here-
AH: I know where we were- we have been on the road basically since Australia and I have been at your
side. And I have not been-
JD: Well, we were on our honeymoon, I hope you were at my side.
AH: I’m not talking about just the honeymoon, now am I? I’m talking about many months. And was it all
the honeymoon? No. I have been at your side throughout it all. And you said- so why did you go to Rio
now- answer to. I would love for it to be better. I have no fucking consistency. No safety. No security- the
relationship is something- me- is something you don’t fight for- don’t stand up for- you always run from it
when it’s tough. I- I’m telling you- I need- what- I’m- we didn’t say vows- you didn’t make the exactly in-
in that way- you know, but- but now it’s the fucking time. I need to know if you are gonna be there. I want
promises. I told you that at the beginning of this conversation. I need promises you’re gonna fucking be
there. I need promises that this is important to you- not when it’s easy, but when it’s hard too- that this is
something you’ll fight for. That this is something that is sacred. And neither of us throw out every fight. I
can’t be the only one to hold promises. I was in Toronto- it fucked me over. I can’t be the only one. You
can’t be the only one. If I split on you all those times I thought about doing it, we would not be here. And I
stayed and it’s tougher- you know, that’s stronger. I’m stronger. It is easy to run. It is easy to run away
from problems. It is easy to take that out and say well that’s the easie- I mean- that’s the safest- safest way
out. I’m not saying we should get into physical altercations. I never wanna be in them. Never. But every
time you don’t like what I say and you fucking run away? We’ll never work out everything. You can’t run
away every fight. You can’t. It’s easy. It’s easy. It’s not brave. It’s not strong. It’s harder to say to
somebody ‘I wanna work this out. I wanna face what I have, I wanna face what you have. I wanna work it
out with you’. You’re not working it out. You are running away. And then you make me be the bigger
person every time and come knock on your door and come to this house and say ‘hey, we are married. This
is supposed to be sacred. Calm down. Calm down.’
JD: I made you? I made you?
AH: Yes, by default. If you are never the one to do it, one of us is and I’m the one to do it every time. It
means I’m the bigger person every time. I have to be the strong one. It means every time I have to fight for
our relationship and you get to be- not- You get to be lazy. You get to be cowardly. I don’t know what it
JD: Then what are you here for? What you need me for then?
AH: Once again I’m fighting for the relationship-
JD: With the guy, you don’t fucking trust or like? Why?
AH: I did not say I didn’t like you. I love you. You’re my favourite person in the world.
JD: I don’t see how I could be.
AH: Remember when I said at the beginning- I’m sorry you feel like you can’t imagine it, but I said this to
you at the beginning of this conversation. That you are my favourite person in the world. You are the most
magnetic, shiny, beautiful, interesting, dynamic person I’ve ever met in my life. It would be so easy to
walk away from this bratty thing that you do!
AH: Did you hear what I just said? I said I can’t trust- I can’t trust- that’s not meaning you are
untrustworthy, it means we have created this situation, and I’m telling you, you created it too. We have
created a situation in which there- not- trust can’t grow. It gets trampled every single time, and we need a
marriage- that’s- I sat down- remember me sitting down at the very beginning of this conversation saying-
I just said to you- say ‘I know you got married for security and safety, so did I. We did not get married
because it was something we were doing- you know- because it was something that- we wanted a steady
JD: I wanted- yes, I wanted to make you my wife. I love you.
AH: Yes, yes, but- but you could just have me as your girlfriend if you didn’t want the foundation. And
you told me, and maybe you go back on it now. Fine, ok, cool, lie about that, I don’t know- you told me
you wanted a foundation. You told me you wanted the security, you wanted the safety, you liked the
foundation- at the beginning, you said ‘I really like having that. It feels safe’.
JD: Of course.
AH: -so don’t argue with me when I say it now.
JD: I’m not arguing with you.
AH: Oh, yeah, but you had to pick it apart.
JD: By saying because I loved you and you are my wife- I wanted you to be my wife- that’s picking the
JD: Then- how did I pick it apart?
AH: ah- give me a minute. I don’t wanna do this. I don’t wanna fight about a fight. I don’t wanna fight
about the semantics. I don’t want-
JD: How come when I come up with a point you can’t answer it? Suddenly you don’t wanna answer it?
AH: What am I not answering? Cos I don’t want us to fight about this new thing? No, I don’t want to. I
said you wanted the safety and the security and you need to stop me- interrupting me. And then you said-
what? Because- I- I- I- no because I wanted to have you as my-
JD: I didn’t interrupt you. You asked me, right? You said, ‘right?’
AH: And then you interjected- I meant you said- you said- how about that? Now, see, that’s better. I
answered you. I addressed what you are saying. Can we please not fight about that?
JD: I said, because I love you.
AH: You said loved.
JD: *sighs* Are we talking about a fucking [unintelligible] past tense. If I used ‘loved’, my apologies, it
doesn’t mean I don’t love you now.
AH: My whole point- that you- I don’t know- have an issue with? Is that you love me, yes. You marry me,
tho, because you wanted some safety, some security, some stability, a foundation. I also want that with
you. It’s why I married you. But I need the safety, I need the security, I need the boundaries, and I think-
do you not agree?
JD: I want the same things.
JD: but when you start flipping out, and I can’t get a word in, and it’s manic and angry, what the f**k
AH: I get angry. I’m human. This is the kind of situation when one gets angry.
JD: Just try. Let’s both try. If there’s anger, if there’s something really, really poking us in the a** let’s try
not to f**king fight. Try to address it without jumping down each other’s throats because all that’s gonna
do is build a mountain of f**king, uh, resentment, some species of f**king hatred within the love and-
and- uh- uh- totally fucking mistrust- because you said, you don’t trust me, you don’t trust me- I get it,
okay? I’m flaking with this and with that. Alright?
AH: I didn’t say as a person. I was speaking to you about this. I don’t trust the marriage. I don’t trust you. I
don’t feel safe because you always fucking bail on it.
JD: Well, then-
AH: That’s sick.
JD: I don’t know- you know-
AH: We want the trust back. I don’t- you can deflect all you want- say it’s my fault- say how dare I get
angry at you ever- whatever- I’m telling you.
JD: I’m telling you.
AH: I don’t know how-
JD: I don’t know-
AH: I don’t know what your thing is
JD: Sometimes I don’t. I don’t wanna fucking be there and go through this shit. I don’t, man. I don’t .
AH: I know.
JD: I don’t wanna- because I don’t wanna- fucking- fight.
AH: It doesn’t have to be one. It’s not like I’m saying ‘hey, choose fight’.
JD: You just said, ‘I get mad, I’m gonna scream’
AH: No. I didn’t say that that is always the case. Yea, I’m mad. It happens.
JD: Yes, I know, it happens often.
AH: If you think I’m some tyrant or bully- then don’t fucking be with me, but don’t sit here and insult me
like I’m the fuck up because I have the audacity to get mad
JD: You are the one saying that I’m the tyrant and the bully and the- and at the same time the one who runs
AH: You run away every single fight.
JD: Okay, so- then what are you doing-
AH: I’m not lying about it.
JD: doing with me?
AH: I already answered that. I already spent- we went through this conversation literally five minutes ago.
I answered this already five minutes ago.
JD: You just said to me that I shouldn’t be with you.
AH: No, I said that you-
JD: That’s how I feel.
AH: No, I said, if I’m some, you know- harping bully which is what make me sound like- that I’m like
constantly on you, making you feel bad cos that’s what I do. Then you ignore everything. You take me for
granted. You ignore everything I do for you. You make me sound terrible. You talk about me in a terrible
way. You- you- you do not fight for me! And then you wanna sit here and make me sound-
JD: What do you mean I don’t fight for you?
AH: You don’t- Everything I have already explained.
JD: No- fight for you- I don’t understand.
AH: You never ever put in the work, if we are arguing about something you don’t ever try to get to the
bottom of it- figure out- make the peace- you want to make it easy on you so you split. You don’t fight- for
me. You don’t fight when there is a problem. You don’t come to me. You don’t- uh, uh- make peace with
me- never extend an olive-branch- you are never the bigger guy- you are never the one like ‘okay, I’m
gonna put my own feelings aside for a second and say this is bigger than us, let’s stop fighting.’ You are
never the one to come knock on my door. You take me for granted.
JD: It’s not true. It’s not true. I’m not the one who throws pots and-
AH: That’s different. That’s different.
JD: whatever the f**king else at me.
AH: One does not negate the other. That’s irrelevant. That’s a complete non sequitur. Just because I’ve
thrown pots and pans does not mean you cannot come and knock on my door.
JD: Vases and f**king...
AH: Just because there are vases does not mean that you come and knock on the door.
JD: Really, I should just let you throw?
AH: No, I’m not saying that. You’re saying that. You’re putting words in my mouth. And then making
JD: No, I’m giving you a situation.
AH: No, you are trying to justify how you don’t or do come to the door-
JD: No, I’m justifying-
AH: based on whether I throw pots or pans. It’s irrelevant.
JD: I’m justifying how you seem to think there’s this cowardice in me that runs away and I don’t fight for
AH: And you are justifying that by saying that I throw pots and pans. Ok, cool. Let’s talk about everything
you do wrong-
JD: I’m not the one who fucking did that. I don’t fucking- I-
AH: So that makes sense. That’s clear, yeah.
JD: Do I- The only time I ever threw anything at you was when you f**king-
AH: Why- why are you-
JD: -threw the cans at me in Australia.
AH: Why are you trying to justify who throws things based on whether or not-
AH: when you come knocking on the door?
JD: Because that is a f**king irrational and violent f**king manoeuvre.
AH: I don’t get why one informs the other.
JD: So a man would want to get out of that area so that he doesn’t get so f**king angry that he actually
does pop the f**king wife.
AH: How does one inform the other?
JD: Oh my god. Go home and listen to the tape.
JD: Please. That’s what they are for.
AH: Yes, you listen to the fucking tape.
JD: I’m gonna-
AH: So will I.
AH: I’m not gonna sit here and promise you I’ll never get mad or that you’ll never fuck up. I know you
wanna live in a land or world where everyone says yes to you and doesn’t question you or criticise you
JD: Don’t insult me like that, please.
AH: But, that’s not the case, it’s not why you are with me. I am honest with you. I’m sorry you don’t
wanna be held accountable. I get it.
JD: I’m not sure you are so honest with me.
AH: That’s your-
JD: Watching you lie in front of Travis last night was a real spectacle.
AH: That’s your problem and that’s your whole thing that you have created. I’m not gonna sit here and go
over every fight we have had. I’m not gonna refight this fight. You have something you’re holding onto
about Travis- fucking- go fuck! *laughs* You know. Go do it. Go run away together. I don’t know what
you are fucking holding onto, but you have created that- I know part of that- I don’t know what you have
fucking latched onto in your brain, what stray hairs have fucking comingled and tangled in your brain to
make you think you have really figured something out now. But this is not unusual for you- It’s almost
every fight I could pretty much guarantee you will find something that you can like-
JD: Let’s ask Travis tonight.
AH: Yeah, we don’t we invite Travis into our fucked up, broken ass, three-fucking-wheeled truck of a
marriage? Why don’t we crash it straight into the wall because no one knows us better than fucking
JD: You’re just afraid that the truth will come out.
AH: What truth?
JD: That you lied.
AH: What are you f**king talking about? I didn’t f**king even have a f**king thing to lie about. What are
you f**king talking to? Every f**king fight. There’s a new thing that you’ve convinced yourself there’s a
JD: No, I said to you, ‘Amber tell Travis what you just did’
JD: ‘Did you just fucking- did you punch me in the f**king jaw?’
AH: [continues laughing]
JD: ‘Did you fucking kick the- ‘
JD: ‘Did you? Did you?’ And you wouldn’t say a f**king-
AH: Oh it was... I lied..
JD: You said ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about.’
AH: I see the lie. I see the lie.
JD: ‘I never f**king, it never f**king happened.’
AH: You should really run with this. In fact, maybe you and Travis can like, go and like do a tell about
JD: Hey, stop.
AH: -you know an investigative study.
JD: Stop with the attitude, right?
JD: Stop with the attitude.
AH: I’m sorry.
JD: You know, punched up?
AH: I’m sorry. Sorry.
AH: It’s so fucking pointless. I don’t even know what to say. You wanna fight about- whatever you think
happened with Travis-
AH: This is a conversation-
JD: Listen, I was not high.
AH: I’m not going to-
JD: You lied your a** off.
AH: You’re f**king full of s**t. What lie, when?
JD: You lied your a** off.
AH: What conversation did I have with Travis, a big, big investigative study you’ve done-
JD: No I was in a situation with you-
AH: I’m not sitting here fighting with you about the fight that we had last night.
JD: After you physically f**king got violent with me, I texted Travis, I said ‘come up here’-
AH: I know! “Come and save me.”
JD: Because I didn’t want anything to happen.
AH: I mean- yea- mhmm-
JD: Come and what, save me?
AH: No, go ahead, continue, Travis to the rescue.
JD: No, that was the last one. You can go- you can go- that was the last insult.
AH: You called me a liar and yet-
JD: I watched you lie.
AH: You called me a liar-
JD: I watched you lie. I heard it. I was right there.
AH: You still haven’t told me what lie it is! Yet, every single fucking time- you know you do this every
single fucking time
JD: We talk to Travis.
AH: I’m not fucking talking to nobody!
AH: Fuck that! You can go fucking jerk- go jerk him off! I don’t care. I really could not care less. It’s-
every single time you latch onto some sort of thing- when I already told you, I don’t know what you’re
talking about. You don’t even know what you’re talking about- you still haven’t told me what it is, but you
run with it- you run with-
JD: I have told you what it is.
AH: No, you haven’t.
JD: I said to Travis, I said- no I said to you, ‘Hey, tell Travis what just happened’
AH: Well, you told me to do it.
AH: You told me to, ‘Go do that’!
JD: I said, ‘tell him what just happened’
AH: And then I lied!
JD: That you punched me in the fucking-
AH: You’re right!
AH: You figured it all out!
JD: -in the face-
JD: And then you said, ‘No, I didn’t. What the fuck are you talking about?'
AH: I didn’t punch you.
JD: And I watched you lie.
AH: I didn’t punch you, by the way.
JD: You punched me.
AH: I’m sorry that I didn’t, uh, uh-
JD: You- uh- punched me.
AH: hit you across the face in a proper slap, but I was hitting you, it was not punching you. Babe- you’re
JD: Don’t tell me what it feels like to be punched!
AH: I know, you’ve been in a lot of fights, been around a long time. I know, I know. Yeah.
JD: No! When you have a f**king closed fist-
AH: You didn’t get punched. You got hit. I’m sorry I hit you like this [sound of a slap]. But I did not
punch you. I did not f**king deck you. I f**king was hitting you.
JD: You can’t deck me.
AH: I don’t know what the motion of my actual hand was, but you’re fine, I did not hurt you, I did not
punch you, I was hitting you.
JD: How are your toes?
AH: What am I supposed to do? Do this?
JD: How are your toes?
AH: I’m not sitting here bitching about it, am I? You are!
JD: Your poor toes.
AH: That’s the difference between you and me. You’re a fucking baby!
JD: Because you start physical fights?
AH: You are such a baby! Grow the f**k up Johnny!
JD: Because you start physical fights?
AH: I did start a physical fight, because-
JD: Yeah, you did. So I had to get the f**k out of there.
AH: Yes, you did. So you did the right thing. The big thing- the- you know what? You are admirable.
Every single time- what’s your excuse when there’s not physical fight. Then what’s the excuse then? You
are still being admirable, right? Just be- running away? And you get to sit here and call me names, but you
get called a name, what do you do? That’s the last insult! You’re a baby. You are a hypocrite. You don’t
do anything that you actually do. You expect from people what you can’t give them.
JD: What are you doing with this?
AH: I’m giving you a Xanax. I think you could use it.
JD: Oh, thank you.
AH: It feels like it has worn off??
JD: Yeah, it probably has.
AH: I haven’t been able to have, like a fight with you beyond- in any room- in talking kind of- speaking
context for so long. Any time anything goes wrong you split. Fuck, it’s your first thing. It’s unnecessary.
It’s not always you’re splitting because there are blows or because yelling or anything- You split many-
most times when I’m still speaking in this volume. And nothing has been thrown or hit or anything. I know
that I can change certain things that are- hurting you. But I can’t blame myself entirely for going straight to
the fucking finish line the first sign of- stress yesterday. Because of how- it’s been lately. You know, since
Australia? And I’ve been on the road with you, I haven’t been working- I don’t know what else I could
JD: Since Australia, we’ve gone on our honeymoon and we had a great time- other than the fact that we
had a fight in the train, which was physical. But- then we had a fight in San Francisco, but I thought
everything else was great. You seemed to really wondering this since Australia
AH: No, better than splitting.
JD: Me splitting?
AH: Like the lack of- you know I even said this- mumble so good for soul and we talked through.
Remember we were allowed to have fights then? Remember we allowed ourselves to say, ’hey you did
this, or you took- ‘ Remember, we even had a little argument and it was okay, it was an argument. I don’t
know what the fuck has changed? Can’t figure it out. And I don’t mean to criticise- uh-ah- anything you
do, but it’s so chronic with you- the-the-the- changes and the personality- it’s like sometimes you get these
clear months and then you this different persona and it’s wonderful and you’re this and this and sometimes
I’m like struggling to stay connected with you- struggling to have five minutes with you- you know-
struggling to connect with you, struggling to have my [unintelligible]. And I can’t fight with you. It’s so
chronic that I have to go what the fuck has changed. What thing has changed. Do you not remember how
different- you were so different- you allowed me-
JD: I allowed you what?
AH: Present. You were so present and we were allowed to fight- not even fight, we had arguments. I mean
you’ve given me this time here on the couch and it’s so amazing we can actually talk, but I never feel that
safe- I constantly feel like you’re about to split. And I don’t wanna feel like that. You’ve made me feel
JD: You threw me out of the bedrooms-
AH: Why wouldn’t I when I know you’re about to split-
JD: I wasn’t about to split.
AH: You always split! So that’s- why would- I mean I do blame myself for my actions yesterday but-
JD: I was laying in bed watching television, man.
JD: I was laying in bed watching television.
AH: I fucked up last night. I’m not going to defend myself. But I also can’t blame me going to the finish
line when that’s always where you drive it.
AH: -you know
JD: But you are saying you thought- you were sure that I was gonna split.
AH: Always, I mean that’s just-
JD: Why would I split if I’m laying on the bed with you watching television-
AH: Just, any fight- any time I tell you that I’m unhappy with anything and it’s typically the same thing.
Any time I voice any threat- I’m not allowed to have a complaint. I’m not allowed (mumble). I’ve told you
this a thousand times- a thousand times I’ve said this to you in calm and in fight. Baby, I don’t feel like
I’m allowed to just have a point. And you are not allowing me the luxury of us just being a normal human
couple. As soon as you get mad you take off on a train. It’s something because it’s not typical-
JD: It’s the same-
AH: It’s wrong-
AH: One day you were different-
JD: It’s the same-
AH: And it hasn’t been that.
JD: It’s the same changes that are happening in you. It’s exactly the same.
JD: That is the case.
AH: I have always allowed you to fuck up and be human. I’ve always been able to have a communication
with you. You- the differences- you make it so we cannot even communicate at all if it’s anything
negative. You go- you take off on a train and don’t get off. You don’t come back around, you don’t honour
when you say ‘I just wanna stay up a few minutes or I wanna little time but I’ll be back’. You don’t- uh-
uh- assuage the anxiety and the stress that gives me and makes it worse with me by saying ‘Hey, I will- we
will- ‘ remember when it was like you have to say ‘I will be back in this amount of time more or less’ and
then actually honour- you have to come back- so, I said if he could do that that would be great. And you
never do it. You know, you don’t ever honour that- you leave me with way more anxiety and stress, anger
and resentment. But in Australia for a few months, you were so-
JD: So were you. It makes a difference.
JD: I wasn’t being attacked
AH: I’m not- I have not attacked you any different. I haven’t changed. I’m not attacked you any different.
I’ve never attacked you. I never attack you. Just because I have a complaint with something you did, it’s
not an attack, baby.
JD: It becomes verbally insulting, it becomes all kinds of shit.
JD: It becomes, right at the gate to, yeah.
AH: See, that’s the problem. If you see any criticism as a verbal assault, of course we have this problem
we are gonna have it the next time you do- God forbid I have a problem with something you do. We are
gonna be in this situation-
JD: Say it nice.
AH: are you ready for it [?]
JD: Say it nice, now.
AH: What if I’m hurt? Am I not allowed to be hurt and be human? That’s the thing- you are not allowing
me to be human then. You take my humanity-
JD: We are talking about-
AH: -by telling me I’m not allowed to feel things-
JD: You are talking ab-
AH: And I’m not allowed to react. To protect you.
JD: Last night- happened because I was at Isaac’s for too long. Next door.
AH: It happened because we could not communicate.
JD: And for what? For what? What did we gain from this fight- from me just- from the horrible fucking act
of me being over at Isaac’s for just too long for you.
AH: I did not cause this because you were at Isaac’s. That’s- I mean you lie to yourself- go ahead, you are
just lying to-
JD: Then what- why were you upset last nigh?
AH: This did not happen cos of Isaac’s. This happened because we are fighting. This is not about Isaac’s.
We actually didn’t even really talk about that- we spent two seconds on it because it’s- you know it’s not
about that, you know it’s bigger than that. The point is I voiced a complaint. It could be anything, you
could say- ‘Baby, you did something to hurt me.’ Which you did, and you admitted-
JD: Why don’t you say that?
AH: You admitted that you would feel that way too-
AH: And you said sorry for it. That- would have been great. But I could not feel safe saying that to you,
because I knew that your reaction would very likely be a defensive explosion and then attack and freak out
and get up and walk away, and all this stuff and I wanted to avoid it, so I took an ambient to try and go to
sleep without even having to speak to you about it because I was really hurt that you fucking left me
stranded and you didn’t think about me, didn’t text me- all the things that you apologised for.
AH: You already apologised for it. Can you do me one-
JD: [audibly exhales]
AH: -small favour and not take it back?
JD: I ain’t taking it back.
AH: Thank you. It’s not defending your face. You already apologised for it. It meant a lot to me. Do me
one favour today. Don’t take that back. [inaudible]
AH: This isn’t about Isaac, you know? It is about us not allowing-
JD: Is it about me showering?
AH: No, it’s- it’s about you not allowing me to have any problems with you, be upset at you or mad at you,
or even hurt by it at all. You’re not allowing-
JD: If you could have just said it in a kinder way, a nicer way, like ‘Listen, I feel fucked over by what you
fucking just did.’
AH: You wouldn’t freak out?
JD: No, I would say, fucking ‘What is it, like what- fucking too long at Isaac’s, you said you wouldn’t be
that long’ or whatever, you shouldn’t- ‘I feel stranded, I felt fucking left’ whatev- What am I gonna fight
with that, why would I get mad at that?
AH: My God, the first thing you do- ‘I don’t have to text you’, I mean you just be- it would be a shame if
we fight, it would be terrible-
JD: You- you- it was a fight.
AH: Yeah, it was.
JD: It was a fight. And-
JD: And, it shouldn’t have been, and- and- and- the Isaac thing was the impetus because you were- that
was- a lot of what you said today, isn’t it?
AH: It was the impetus, but it’s just a small example of a bigger thing, you know it is-
JD: So, okay, it’s a bigger thing, it’s coming from- back in Australia.
AH: No, it’s like Australia, we were allowed to have fights. You can’t sit here and tell me- I can’t feel
things, I can’t voice them to you. If we say to each other you can’t get mad, you can’t be hurt by the other,
then we live in a motherfucking fairy tale.
JD: Look, then of course- we- nobody- nobody is able to and shouldn’t hold shit it. We can go to the other
person. Say, ‘Look, man, I feel fucked, I feel shit, I feel this, I feel that.’ And then we can assess you- how
you feel. ‘Well, fuck I guess I see what you mean’. You know? ‘I see what you mean, I get it.’ Or- fucking
‘I don’t get it, I don’t understand what you’re saying and you’re wrong- and you’re- ‘ and whatever.
AH: But it’s going to be the latter, and it’s been the latter for months now. Where that’s your reaction, it’s
not ever- ever admitting wrong- ever doing anything wrong, ever-
JD: That’s not true.
AH: You always go straight to ‘You are wrong, fuck you, cunt’ thing. You don’t say fuck you all the time
right away- but, I’m saying-
JD: It’s not always what I say.
AH: Like, for months now, it’s been I can’t voice any complaints, I can’t say I feel fucked over, I can’t say
that I’m hurt ever, I can’t say that you fucked up, I can’t be mad at you, I can’t be hurt. Nothing. Cause I’m
the bad guy. ‘Oh, well, you know, I’m always fucking up, you know- You’re always on me and I’m
always fucking up’ and you know- getting mad at me for having- For being honest with you, we’ve had a
million fights like I was honest with you. I told you how I felt. I mean- ‘If you were me, wouldn’t you feel
bad?’ ‘Yeah’ ‘Okay, well then, what the fuck?’. We had this few months where we could actually even
feel things and fight, and it was an argument. Even if I’m hurt, I’m still trying to see the bigger picture.
You lose the bigger picture every time. And if you wanna stay married to me, you need to figure out if you
ever- I mean- if you think you can- if you are gonna lose sight of the bigger picture and only be my
husband when it’s easy, you’re only gonna be there for the ups, never the downs, you’re only gonna be
there for health, not sickness? Every time it gets hard you lose the big picture and you can’t think about
anything else but breaking up, divorce, fighting, splitting, running away- If you can’t be the one to come
around some times and see the bigger picture and know that it’s not worth fighting for days- if you can’t
do that too, we need to walk away. I don’t wanna walk away. I don’t wanna end this-
JD: Do you not think that you instigate the same thing?
AH: I’m not talking about instigating, I’m talking about ending.
JD: But ending- you don’t-
AH: I’m talking about ending.
JD: Yeah, but you don’t always do that.
AH: You are never the one coming to me and saying let’s not fight anymore. You are never the one saying
just come on, let’s just get into bed, let’s not get into bed mad like that- On the plane, it was me. In
Toronto, it was me. It’s always me!
JD: On the plane here- from Per- from Rio-
AH: You don’t wanna admit it.
JD: -you were-
AH: Think about it.
JD: - you were losing your marbles
AH: Think about it.
JD: I’m the one who came to you and said, ‘Let’s calm down, please calm down.’ And you were blaming
AH: Think about it.
JD: [coughs] because your flight was gonna get in late. And you wouldn’t be able to-
AH: Think about it.
JD: -have time before your thing.
AH: You ditched me last night and I understand- I understand... how shitty... that got. And I understand
my part in it. I’m not- I need to know what we do different. I need to know.
JD: It’s gotta be done with your mind and your heart.
AH: What do we do different if I- if I have a problem.
JD: You tell me.
AH: You need to tell me how to tell you different-
JD: Tell me.
AH: -if I’m hurting you- you need to let me be able to be mad. Sometimes you are gonna make me mad.
I’m a human. I cannot live where it’s like-
JD: Well, the same thing goes for me then. You’re gonna have to allow me to get mad.
AH: Yes! Exactly! I-
JD: Okay, but when I get mad then you start fucking yelling.
AH: Uh-uh-I-I- I don’t have to start yelling. I think I start yelling when it gets fucking heightened. I’ve
gotten a lot better about that. It’s just only-
JD: No- no-
AH: -when I start yelling it’s fucking hour eleven and we’re really in it.
JD: You- you haven’t gotten better about that. Otherwise, we wouldn’t have had three physical fights in
the last month and a half- two months.
AH: It’s- sorry again about the yelling.
JD: Let’s both pay attention to how we talk to each other.
JD: To respect each other.
AH: Ah, you know, I’m not gonna do that all the time, sometimes I’m gonna be shitty or whatever-
JD: Of course not.
AH: But, we make a promise to each other to- about the reason we divorce-
JD: We’re in this, no divorce [my best guess, not sure what he says here]
AH: We promise each other-
AH: The reason, I want so bad to feel like, the marriage that I-
JD: I promise.
AH: -worked so hard to make happen, is like meaningful.
JD: Don’t talk about making the marriage happen. Talk about the four years we’ve spent together, please.
AH: Yes, but I wanna make- I have those years no matter what, but- I fought for that wedding- we had that
wedding- beautiful- for what? If we don’t- I want it to like mean something, that there’s some-
JD: Yeah. It did mean something and it does mean something. And I didn’t get married to your for
fucking- just fucking- you know- seventeen more fights and it’s fucking over with. We got married, I knew
the fucking fights weren’t going to stop. But I thought- maybe- it would curb them a little.
AH: I wanted the security- that- I freak out. I freak out and cannot make normal decisions, calm decisions
or the ones from the heart where I’m thinking of you more than me when I feel like you’re splitting on me
all the time. Our marriage is on the rocks. I make the same mistake about throwing our marriage around. I
won’t do it again. I’m not gonna do it again, okay?
AH: I’m not. I promise. But- there’s so- there’s something so- anxiety-provoking and scary and malicious
and really just- turns everything over when we split all the time. Please, if you really don’t wanna fight and
you’re not just trying to hurt me with some things that- if you really, really, you really love me and you
don’t- do care about this, please find a good way to do it, one that’s respectful.
AH: You can tell me that you are- you can- I need to know that we will be able to talk about it because the
problem I have is when you don’t communicate. It comes into me, builds up in me and becomes cancer in
me. It got worse every day when we were back from Toronto, a bit worse every single day. Not better.
Worse. Till we spoke about it, until [unintelligible]’s birthday, when you talked about- then it was okay,
but I need that- I don’t wanna resent you.
JD: I don’t wanna resent you. I don’t wanna- I don’t wanna- not trust-
AH: But you can.
AH: You know how many times I’ve chased you out of the elevator in the hall? Let’s stop doing that. I’m
not nit-picking, I don’t mean to be focusing on something- but if it’s a major thing to me and it is major-
JD: If things get physical- we have to separate.
AH: No, we don’t.
JD: We have to be apart- from one another. Whether it’s for fucking hour or ten hours or fucking- a day.
We must. There can be no physical violence.
AH: I can’t promise that it will all be perfect. I can’t promise you I won’t get physical again. God I fucking
sometimes- I get so mad I lose it. I can fucking promise you I will do everything to change. You didn’t
come home last night, I feel like I’ve got nothing to hang on to. It’s so- our marriage, our commitment, our
stability. I don’t know- I could just get up and walk away and spend the night somewhere else.
JD: Obviously, you can.
AH: Yeah, but- we-we- I believe it’s done if we do that- that- that’s- it’s not marriage.
JD: You’ve talked about it. You know why I left.
AH: I do know why you left. [silence] You-
JD: I’m saying now that I won’t do the same thing. I mean- I will not do that- I will not fucking leave
until- until some rational decision is made. If it’s the end, it’s the end. If it’s the fucking- we can keep
going- we’ll keep going, but yeah.
JD: Promise. I promise. I’ll promise you. I hope you can trust me.
AH: I don’t want any loopholes, any, ‘Oh, it’s okay to leave, it’s acceptable to do this or it’s acceptable to
say this’ -about like splitting or breaking up or leaving. I- that’s- we-we should- we should fall asleep
together every night. Ideally, never mad. Ideally, never mad. I would love to say-
JD: Of course.
AH: -I can promise that. But I don’t know if it’s possible, I would love to strive for it.
JD: Yeah, you weren’t ready for that last night, for sure.
AH: I fucked up last night, I’m really sorry. It’s not been just affecting me, it’s affecting our marriage. It’s
affecting how I trust, how I resent- how I like you without the fighting happening-
JD: No, I know, but when you-
AH: I’m not trying to rub your nose into it, I’m just- I feel like sometimes you omit something- you
acknowledge it will be beautiful and then you go back on it and then you’ll write like the vocabulary after-
And I’m like, ‘Wait a second is he taking it back?’ You know what I mean?
JD: I do know what you mean, but like I said before- there’s not- I would- I don’t- I haven’t cornered the
market on that. You know, when you start the fucking yelling- there’s [mic crackles] you know- it-it-
fucking- gets crazy [mic crackles] you know, it gets fucking- [mic crackles] it gets fucking crazy, you
know? And that- that makes me not feel- uh- for the lack of a better word- safe within the relationship.
JD: You know, understanding of, ‘Oh, well, it’s just nothing’, cos if it keeps going- if it’s always sort of
there- then yeah, I worry, I fucking worry about the marriage. I worry how much longer can I deal with
this, how much longer can she deal with this? Fuck, man. So, I’ve- I’ve had the same trust issues, I’ve had
the same- uh-uh disappointments, I’ve had the same, you know? Maybe not to the degree you have, I’m
assuming, so- But, yeah, man, when you start fucking honking, you know what I mean? It’s-
AH: Help me.
JD: It’s pretty-
AH: Call me-
JD: It’s pretty-
AH: Call it out- call me out on it and help me-
JD: I will- I will try.
AH: Help me, please. I might not even realise I’m doing it, but you gotta help me.
JD: I will try.
AH: But it can’t be an excuse to leave.
JD: I will try to help you. If I try to help you- then I can help you- why the fuck would I leave? But I try to
help you, and I can’t help you? That’s it, baby, I’m taking an hour in my fucking office.
AH: It’s- yes-
JD: If you wanna talk, you can come get me. Otherwise, I’m gonna check on you within an hour.
AH: That- that would be really helpful.
AH: I promise you I’ll leave you alone for that hour. I promise you, I’m not gonna freak out.
JD: Just- I just want you to have- your time to be able to calm down or my time to be able to calm down.
AH: It really helps if you give it time- not just -
JD: I said an hour.
AH: If you just say- you know- I promise it will resume this- I just need to know that when we talk about
otherwise and do me cancer- doing something that just festers and it’s worse and worse, so you have to
realise- you know- in that kind of situation a few minutes is fine, but after a certain point, it becomes way
worse and I become way harder to reason, to rationalise with- I become- that- Kipper can tell you, he says
he’s the same way. I just- we have to talk- we work a very different way. Meet me in the middle, you
JD: I-I- yeah. I do understand, I do- I do understand all that. But I- I also want you to understand that- you
know, there were great moments, there were high hopes it was just all cool, and then, you know- whatever
happens, this happens, that happens- fucking- we have a spat or a fight or a- fucking blow-up. I- just want
you to know, that the way you’re feeling about- being unsure of- of us- of the marriage- of this- if you are
working- can you trust me to be this whether you know, I can do the same. I feel very much the same.
AH: At least you have the added luxury that you take for granted- no offence-
JD: What do I take for granted?
AH: That you have the added luxury of knowing that I’m there and that I mean it forever and then I- cos I
show up- I’m com- I’m knocking. I’m the one who asks to calm down-
AH: I’m the one who comes to get you on the plane. I’m the one that comes and knocks on the bathroom
door. I’m the one that comes into the house that you’ve run away to. I’m the one that comes to you and
say, ‘This isn’t working, let’s figure this- ‘ or whatever- I’m- I- you have the added luxury of you just-
taking me for granted in such a big way. You don’t know how much that means.
JD: [unintelligible]. We are screwed. You can’t live like this.
AH: I’m sorry for doing that again- again and again.
JD: Well, like I said, like you said, we walk out the door, we walk out the door, that is the same as rings
off, it’s the same thing as mentioning a divorce. Cos no talking, unless we just try to be civil with one
another, as fucking people who are married, and I hate to talk like- I hate even saying that kind of shit but
yeah- if I walk out again, I’m walking out. I’ll know that and you’ll know that. You do that, same deal.
AH: I promise I won’t explode if we just do the things a little different- in the fight- you know like- Don’t
walk away from me! Do it in a different way. And I promise I won’t resort to the same shit. I promise,
JD: Thank you. [pause] What you got?
AH: I was just pausing it. I realised it was about to run out of battery. And it’s still rolling, this thing.
JD: Oh, here.